Relationship Therapy Isn’t Just About Couples

When we talk about relationships, our minds often go straight to romantic partners. But, of course, these are only some of the relationships that shape our lives.

There are our relationships with parents, siblings and children. Our friendships. Chosen family. People we work with. Former partners. And there is also the relationship we have with ourselves.

Some of these relationships can be a source of enormous comfort and belonging. Others can leave us feeling hurt, angry, guilty, confused or somehow never quite good enough. Often, a relationship can be both.

This is why relationship therapy isn’t necessarily couples therapy.

You might come to therapy because things feel difficult with your mother or father. Perhaps you love them, but find yourself becoming a version of yourself around them that you don’t particularly like or understand.

You might be struggling with a sibling, or caught in a family dynamic where you always seem to be the one who keeps the peace.

Or it might be a friendship.

Friendships can be some of the most important relationships in our lives, yet we don’t always give ourselves permission to acknowledge how complicated they can be. Falling out with a close friend, feeling pushed out of a friendship group, being the one who always makes the effort, or realising that a friendship no longer feels good for you can be genuinely painful.

The ending of a friendship can involve grief too. Sometimes quite profound grief, despite there being very little language or ritual for it.

And then there are patterns that seem to follow us from one relationship to another.

Perhaps you find it difficult to say no, whether it is to a partner, a friend or a parent. You may worry about disappointing people, take responsibility for how everybody else is feeling, or find yourself doing a great deal of emotional looking after.

Perhaps it is the opposite. You value your independence, but when somebody gets too close you find yourself pulling away without quite understanding why.

You might repeatedly feel overlooked, rejected or taken for granted. Or find yourself wondering why you so often end up in relationships where you are doing most of the work.

These patterns don’t necessarily mean that there is something ‘wrong’ with you. Nor does therapy need to turn every difficulty into something that happened in childhood.

But our experiences of relationships do shape us.

The families we grew up in, friendships we have had, relationships that have ended, experiences of love and rejection, our culture, sexuality and identity; all of these can influence what closeness, trust, conflict and belonging come to mean to us.

Relationship therapy gives us somewhere to become curious about this.

Rather than simply asking, ‘How do I fix this relationship?’, we might begin to ask:

What happens to me when I’m in a relationship with someone else?

• Do I feel able to be myself?

• Can I ask for what I need?

• What happens when somebody is disappointed with me?

• Can I tolerate disagreement without fearing that the relationship is in danger?

• Do I know where my responsibility ends and somebody else’s begins?

• What happens when I need somebody; or when somebody needs me?

These questions can be explored whether you are single, dating, in a relationship, part of a polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship, struggling with family, grieving a friendship, or simply trying to understand yourself a little better in relation to other people.

You don’t need to bring anybody else with you.

Sometimes the most useful place to begin relationship therapy is with just one person in the room: you.