Attachment Styles in Relationships: A Therapist’s Guide to Understanding How We Connect

Why do some people become anxious when a partner pulls away, while others need distance when a relationship feels too close? Attachment theory can help us understand these patterns.

Attachment styles describe patterns in how we experience emotional closeness, trust, reassurance, independence and vulnerability in relationships. The four attachment styles commonly discussed are secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant (or disorganised) attachment.

As a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, I find attachment theory can offer a helpful starting point for understanding some of the patterns that appear in relationships, intimacy and sex.

But I think there is an important distinction to make from the beginning: an attachment style is not a diagnosis, and it isn't a box you have to fit into.

Instead, it can give us a language for becoming curious about ourselves and the ways we have learnt to connect with other people.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is a psychological theory about the way human beings form emotional bonds and seek safety and connection in relationships.

Its foundations were developed by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who explored the importance of the relationship between children and their caregivers.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth later developed this work through observational research into children's responses to separation from and reunion with caregivers. Her research contributed to the identification of different attachment patterns.

Researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon later expanded this framework by describing disorganised attachment.

Although attachment theory began with research into children and caregivers, attachment concepts have subsequently been applied to adult romantic relationships and intimacy.

What are the four attachment styles?

The four attachment styles commonly discussed are:

Secure attachment — feeling relatively comfortable with both emotional closeness and independence.

Anxious attachment — strongly valuing connection while being particularly sensitive to rejection, abandonment or emotional distance.

Avoidant attachment — placing a strong emphasis on independence and sometimes finding vulnerability or emotional closeness uncomfortable.

Fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment — wanting closeness while also feeling frightened, overwhelmed or unsafe when intimacy develops.

These categories are best understood as patterns rather than fixed personality types.

You may recognise yourself in more than one attachment style. You may also respond differently depending on the person you're with, the circumstances of the relationship and your experiences at that particular time in your life.

What causes attachment styles?

Attachment patterns are thought to develop partly through our early experiences of relationships, care, comfort and emotional availability.

At a very basic level, we begin learning answers to questions such as:

Will someone be there when I need them?

Can I depend on another person?

Is it safe to express what I need?

What happens when somebody is angry or disappointed with me?

Can I be close to another person without losing myself?

However, childhood is not the whole story.

Later experiences can matter too. Friendships, romantic relationships, sexual experiences, supportive partners, rejection, betrayal, loss and therapy can all influence the way we experience relationships.

This is one reason I prefer not to talk about attachment as something permanently determined in childhood.

What is secure attachment?

A person with a more secure attachment style generally feels able to experience closeness without losing their sense of independence.

They may find it easier to:

• trust a partner

• communicate their emotional needs

• give and receive affection

• maintain appropriate boundaries

• tolerate periods of separation

• navigate disagreement without automatically fearing the relationship will end.

Secure attachment doesn't mean never feeling jealous, anxious, hurt or insecure.

It means there is generally enough underlying emotional safety to experience those feelings without them taking over the entire relationship.

What is anxious attachment?

Anxious attachment can involve a strong desire for emotional connection alongside heightened sensitivity to signs of rejection, abandonment or distance.

Someone with anxious attachment might find themselves:

• needing frequent reassurance

• worrying about whether their partner still loves or desires them

• overanalysing messages or changes in tone

• becoming distressed when a partner needs space

• fearing that conflict means the relationship is ending

• finding uncertainty particularly difficult.

A delayed text message, for example, might objectively mean very little.

But internally, it can quickly become:

“Have I done something wrong?”

“Are they losing interest?”

“Why haven't they replied?”

The resulting anxiety is very real, even when another part of the person recognises that there may be a perfectly ordinary explanation.

What is avoidant attachment?

Someone with a more avoidant attachment style may value independence very strongly and feel uncomfortable when emotional intimacy becomes intense.

They may:

• need significant personal space

• find emotional conversations uncomfortable

• struggle to express vulnerability

• withdraw during conflict

• minimise their own emotional needs

• feel pressured when another person seeks reassurance or closeness.

This doesn't necessarily mean the person doesn't want love or connection.

Sometimes withdrawal is a form of self-protection.

If relying on other people has historically felt uncomfortable, disappointing or unsafe, independence can become a very effective way of avoiding vulnerability.

What is fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment?

Fearful-avoidant attachment, sometimes discussed in relation to disorganised attachment, can involve simultaneously wanting intimacy and fearing it.

A person may desperately want to feel close to somebody, yet become frightened, overwhelmed or mistrustful when that closeness actually develops.

This can create a confusing push-pull pattern:

“Please come closer.”

followed by:

“This feels too much. I need to get away.”

People experiencing these patterns may find relationships particularly emotionally intense.

Again, this isn't about somebody being “difficult” or “too much”.

Sometimes apparently contradictory behaviour makes more sense when we understand it as an attempt to find safety.

How do attachment styles affect relationships?

Attachment styles can influence communication, trust, emotional intimacy, conflict, reassurance, boundaries and expectations within romantic relationships.

One of the patterns I find particularly useful to explore is what happens when two people's different ways of seeking safety begin interacting with each other.

Imagine that one partner becomes anxious when they sense emotional distance.

They reach out for reassurance.

Their partner experiences that reassurance-seeking as pressure and withdraws.

The first person then experiences the withdrawal as evidence that something is wrong and tries even harder to reconnect.

The second person feels increasingly overwhelmed and retreats further.

One person pursues.

The other withdraws.

And both can end up feeling rejected.

What is interesting is that both people may actually be trying to achieve the same thing: emotional safety.

They have simply learnt very different ways of looking for it.

Recognising this can begin to change the conversation from:

“Why are you like this?”

to:

“What happens between us when we both feel unsafe?”

That is often a much more useful question.

How can attachment styles affect sex and intimacy?

Attachment patterns can also influence sex, sexual desire and physical intimacy.

Sex involves vulnerability.

We allow another person to see us, touch us, respond to us and witness parts of ourselves that may already carry insecurity or uncertainty.

For some people, sex can become closely connected with reassurance.

Sexual intimacy might communicate:

You still want me.

We're OK.

We're connected.

If sexual contact decreases, anxiety about the relationship may therefore increase.

For somebody else, expectations around sex or emotional intimacy may begin to feel like pressure. When closeness feels demanding or overwhelming, sexual desire may decrease or the person may withdraw.

This can create painful misunderstandings between partners.

One person may experience the lack of sex as rejection.

The other may experience repeated attempts to initiate sex as pressure.

Both people can then become increasingly stuck.

Rather than asking only:

“Who wants more sex?”

or

“Who wants less?”

I often think another question can be equally important:

“What does intimacy mean to each of us, and what happens inside us when we feel wanted, rejected, close or vulnerable?”

Can attachment styles change?

Yes. Attachment patterns can change.

They are not necessarily permanent personality traits.

Greater self-awareness, different relationship experiences, supportive relationships and psychotherapy may all contribute to developing more secure ways of relating.

Change often begins with noticing what happens before the familiar reaction takes over.

You might notice your mind moving from:

“They haven't replied yet”

to:

“They're losing interest in me.”

Or perhaps you notice yourself emotionally shutting down during an argument.

Maybe asking directly for reassurance feels too vulnerable, so the need comes out as anger, criticism or withdrawal instead.

These small moments of recognition matter.

They create a space between feeling something and automatically reacting to it.

And within that space, a different response can gradually become possible.

How can I develop a more secure attachment style?

Developing greater security in relationships doesn't mean becoming completely independent or never feeling anxious.

It can involve learning to recognise your own emotional responses while communicating your needs more directly and tolerating another person's needs and boundaries.

That might include:

• noticing your relationship triggers

• communicating rather than assuming

• learning to ask directly for reassurance

• developing boundaries that allow both closeness and independence

• recognising when withdrawal is protective rather than genuinely desired

• learning ways to regulate difficult emotions

• becoming more comfortable with vulnerability

• exploring recurring relationship patterns in therapy.

These changes rarely happen overnight.

They develop through repeated experiences of responding differently and discovering that relationships can sometimes be safer than we expected.

Is attachment style a diagnosis?

No. Attachment styles are not mental health diagnoses.

I think this is particularly important given the amount of attachment content now available on social media.

Terms such as “anxious”, “avoidant” and “disorganised” can be useful for understanding patterns, but they can also become labels that we use against ourselves or our partners.

“He's avoidant.”

“She's anxious.”

“That's just my attachment style.”

Once that happens, curiosity can disappear.

A label tells us very little about the individual person, their history, their current relationship or what is actually happening between two people.

The more useful question is often:

“What happens for me when closeness doesn't feel safe?”

A more compassionate way to understand attachment

If you recognise yourself in some of these descriptions, try not to turn attachment theory into another reason to criticise yourself.

Instead of asking:

“What's wrong with me?”

you might gently ask:

“What have I learnt about relationships, and what am I trying to protect myself from?”

Some of the strategies that create difficulties in our adult relationships may once have made a great deal of sense.

Understanding where those responses come from doesn't mean we have to continue repeating them.

It simply gives us a more compassionate place from which to begin doing something differently.

And sometimes, that curiosity is where change starts.

Relationship therapy and attachment

If you repeatedly find yourself feeling anxious, disconnected, rejected or stuck in relationships, relationship therapy can provide a confidential space to explore these patterns.

Psychosexual therapy can also help when relationship difficulties have become connected with sex, sexual desire, intimacy, sexual confidence or communication about sex.

In my work as a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, I work with individuals and couples to explore relationship difficulties, intimacy and sexual concerns without judgement and at a pace that feels manageable.

The aim isn't to achieve a “perfect” relationship or to turn everyone into the same kind of partner.

It is to understand yourself and each other more clearly, communicate more openly and find ways of relating that feel safer, more connected and more authentic.

If you would like to learn more about relationship and psychosexual therapy, you can explore the rest of my website or get in touch to discuss how therapy may be able to support you.

Frequently asked questions about attachment styles

What are the four attachment styles?

The four attachment styles commonly discussed are secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant (or disorganised) attachment. They describe patterns in how people may experience closeness, trust, independence, reassurance and vulnerability.

Can you have more than one attachment style?

Yes. Attachment is more complex than four fixed categories. People may recognise characteristics of several attachment patterns and may respond differently in different relationships.

Can an anxious and avoidant person have a healthy relationship?

Attachment patterns do not determine whether a relationship will succeed or fail. Becoming aware of a pursue-withdraw cycle, communicating needs and boundaries more clearly, and developing greater emotional safety can help couples understand and change recurring patterns.

Does your childhood determine your attachment style?

Early relationships are important within attachment theory, but they are not the only influence on adult relationships. Later relationships and life experiences can also shape how a person experiences trust, intimacy and emotional safety.

Can therapy help with attachment issues?

Therapy can provide a space to explore recurring relationship patterns, emotional triggers, intimacy, communication and the ways a person responds when closeness feels uncertain or unsafe. The work will depend on the individual or couple rather than simply treating an “attachment style”.

What is the difference between relationship therapy and psychosexual therapy?

Relationship therapy focuses on difficulties within relationships, including communication, conflict, trust and emotional connection. Psychosexual therapy specifically works with sexual difficulties and concerns while also considering psychological, emotional and relationship factors that may be contributing.