From Hiding to Being Seen

Exploring sexuality, shame, intimacy and relationships

Sometimes, we learn to hide parts of ourselves long before we understand why.

It might be something about our sexuality, a desire we're embarrassed to talk about, or a feeling we worry others might not accept. We learn what feels safe to share and what might be better kept to ourselves. And after a while, hiding can become so familiar that we barely notice we're doing it.

But what happens when the things we've learnt to hide begin to affect how we experience intimacy, relationships and even ourselves?

The Expectations We Grow Up With

Growing up, we're surrounded by expectations about who we should be, who we should love and what our lives should look like. We absorb these messages from our families, our communities and the culture around us, often without questioning them.

I recognise something of this from growing up gay in Sicily. There was a future I thought I was supposed to have, involving a wife, children and a family. At the same time, I was privately exploring a part of myself that didn't seem to fit into that picture.

It wasn't always easy to distinguish between what I genuinely wanted and what I'd learnt to believe I should want.

And perhaps that's something many of us experience in different ways.

We might find ourselves in relationships that seem right on paper but don't quite feel right. We might struggle to express what we want sexually, worry about disappointing a partner, or feel uncomfortable acknowledging parts of ourselves that don't fit with other people's expectations.

Sometimes, we become so used to meeting those expectations that we lose sight of what we actually want.

Why We Learn to Hide Parts of Ourselves

Often, hiding isn't about dishonesty. It's about protection.

When we've learnt that certain parts of ourselves might be judged or rejected, keeping them private can feel safer than allowing them to be seen.

And those feelings don't necessarily disappear when our circumstances change.

Moving to London, for example, didn't immediately mean I felt comfortable being openly gay in every situation. Even in a more accepting environment, some of the fears I'd grown up with were still there.

I think that's something we don't always talk about enough.

We can change our surroundings, our relationships and even the way we understand ourselves, while still carrying old fears about how others might respond.

What once helped us feel safe can sometimes become something that limits how freely we express ourselves.

How Sexual Shame Can Affect Intimacy and Relationships

Shame can work in a similar way.

It doesn't always appear as an obvious feeling of embarrassment. Sometimes it's the hesitation before telling a partner what we enjoy. The worry that our desires might be considered unusual. The difficulty of saying no, or the feeling that we should be different in some way.

Sexual shame can affect how comfortable we feel with our desires, our bodies and the way we communicate in intimate relationships.

We might long for closeness while also feeling frightened of being fully known.

And that can be a difficult place to find ourselves.

Perhaps we avoid certain conversations because we're worried about how our partner might react. Or we find ourselves putting someone else's needs before our own because expressing what we want feels uncomfortable.

Of course, difficulties with sex and intimacy can have many different causes. But the beliefs we've developed about ourselves, our sexuality and what others might think of us can sometimes play an important part.

What Does Being Seen Really Mean?

Being seen doesn't mean telling everyone everything.

It doesn't mean we have to be completely open, or that privacy is somehow a problem.

Perhaps it's more about having a choice.

Being able to recognise what we feel without immediately judging it. Finding ways to express our needs when it feels safe to do so. Allowing ourselves to question expectations that may never have really belonged to us.

And recognising that we can decide which parts of ourselves we want to share, with whom and when.

In my work as a psychosexual and relationship therapist, I'm interested in how these experiences shape our relationships with ourselves and others.

How shame can affect desire, how fear of judgement can make intimacy difficult, and how the ways we've learnt to protect ourselves can sometimes prevent us from experiencing the closeness we want.

Therapy can offer a space to explore these experiences without assuming there's a particular way we should feel, behave or live.

Sometimes that involves understanding where certain beliefs about sex and relationships came from. Sometimes it's about finding ways to communicate more openly with a partner. And sometimes it's simply having the opportunity to talk about something that has felt difficult to put into words.

Finding Our Own Way From Hiding to Being Seen

I don't think moving from hiding to being seen is a straightforward journey.

There isn't one moment when everything suddenly changes, and there isn't a particular way we're supposed to arrive.

Sometimes it happens through small conversations, moments of understanding, or simply finding the words for something we've struggled to acknowledge.

We might feel comfortable with ourselves in one situation and less so in another. We might still notice old fears, even when we know our circumstances have changed.

And that's part of what makes these experiences so human.

Perhaps being seen isn't about becoming someone different. It's about gradually feeling more able to be who we already are.

And maybe it starts with looking at the parts of ourselves we've learnt to hide with a little more curiosity, and a little less judgement.

Exploring Sexuality, Shame and Relationships in Therapy

I'm Gianluca, a psychosexual and relationship therapist based in London.

I work with individuals and couples exploring concerns around sexuality, intimacy and relationships, including sexual shame, sexual identity and difficulties communicating about sex.

If something in this article resonates with you, therapy can offer a confidential space to explore these experiences at your own pace.

You're welcome to get in touch to find out more about working together.

Relationship & Sex Psychotherapy | London & Online